G MPAA rating
Rated G - General Audiences

This article is rated G, meaning it is appropriate for all ages.

The Patriotic Heist
Series Absorbent Days
Season 2
Episode 9b
Airdate July 4, 2014
Written by MrScience12
Creative director(s) William Leonard

The Patriotic Heist is the thirty-sixth episode of the spin-off, Absorbent Days, and the sixteenth episode of season two. In this episode, the gang are having a "Fish-dependance Day" hangout. However, Squidward makes an observation of how there are no fireworks in the night sky to keep things exciting. SpongeBob finds that he does not have any, and he volunteers, along with Patrick to buy some from the Barg N' Mart. However, they are all sold out. Will SpongeBob and Patrick find a way to get fireworks to save the party? This episode is paired with High School Horrors.


  • SpongeBob SquarePants
  • Patrick Star
  • Mr. Krabs
  • Squidward Tentacles
  • Sandy Cheeks
  • Gary the Snail
  • Cashier (cameo)
  • Security Guard 1 (cameos toward end)
  • Security Guard 2 (cameos toward end)


  • [episode begins with the entire gang: SpongeBob, Patrick, Sandy, Squidward, Mr. Krabs, and Gary, nestled into seats and gathered around a grill, in which SpongeBob is preparing Krabby Patties]
  • Patrick: Isn't this the life?
  • Sandy: Yeah. Just lying back, under the stars, smelling freshly-prepared Krabby Patties, and chilling with the rest of my pals.
  • Mr. Krabs: Moments like these only come once in a whale's age.
  • SpongeBob: Make that twice, Mr. Krabs. We have another piping hot Krabby Patty ready to be stuffed into the first...
  • [Patrick grabs the Krabby Patty and devours it]
  • SpongeBob: ...taker.
  • Squidward: This is relaxing and all, but...when are we going to see some action?
  • Mr. Krabs: What's that, Mr. Squidward?
  • Squidward: You know, the... [imitates an explosion, along with tentacle motions]
  • Gary: Meow?
  • Squidward: Fireworks, you melons! I'm talking about fireworks. Did we bring any so we can get this show on the road?
  • SpongeBob: Hmm. Fireworks, eh? [begins searching]
  • [SpongeBob walks into his garage, turns on the light, and begins rummaging; he walks out of the garage and looks in the basement, yet only finds urchins and cobwebs; he finally checks his pockets, but to no avail]
  • SpongeBob: I've got nothing.
  • Mr. Krabs: Well, that's just great.
  • Gary: Meow!
  • SpongeBob: Now, no need to fuss. I'll just run into town and pick some up from the Barg N' Mart.
  • Patrick: [stands up] I shall go with SpongeBob, for he has the money, and I have unfinished business with the candy aisle.
  • SpongeBob: Well then, come along, my seastar. Better hurry before they're all gone.
  • [scene cuts to the exterior of the Barg N' Mart]
  • SpongeBob: [is heard offscreen] You're what?!
  • [camera cuts to the interior, where SpongeBob and Patrick are standing in front of a male cashier, leaning on his hand]
  • Cashier: For the gazillonth time, we are out of fireworks. Earlier today, hundreds of fish who didn't buy their on-time flourished in here and purchased every last one of them. We have no fireworks!
  • SpongeBob: No fireworks? But, how are we going to celebrate the most patriotic day in Bikini Bottom's history?
  • Cashier: I don't know, go to some other place that sells fireworks.
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick exit the Barg N' Mart, yet SpongeBob stops outside, causing Patrick to follow]
  • Patrick: What is it, SpongeBob?
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, there is one place in town that has fireworks.
  • Patrick: And where's that?
  • [scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick, standing in front of a large factory]
  • SpongeBob: The "Kaboom Factory", the factory in Bikini Bottom that produces fireworks year-round. Most of them are shipped away for use during this time of year...
  • Patrick: Christmas?!
  • SpongeBob: No, Fish-dependance Day. [Patrick shows confused expression] The day of the year where we celebrate our splitting from other island control? Ugh, forget it. Let's just get in there.
  • Patrick: [grabs SpongeBob's shoulder] Wait, SpongeBob. Look. [points to security guard, all dressed in grey] It's those guys who stop you from taking candy at all those shopping stores.
  • SpongeBob: You're right. How do we get by them?
  • Patrick: I know! We walk up to them, greet them kindly, and hope they let us through.
  • [camera cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick, being launched from the factory and into a pond]
  • Security Guard: [heard offscreen] And stay out!
  • SpongeBob: [floats to the top] Well, that didn't work.
  • Patrick: [floats to top with grin] Oh, didn't it?
  • SpongeBob: No, it... [looks at self] Patrick, you genius! You knew he would throw us into the pond, and due to the factory pollution, the pond turned us grey! We can get past security now.
  • Patrick: Oh, that. I was thinking we would stay here until the guards left, but your plan works too.
  • SpongeBob: Come on, we don't have much time. [pulls Patrick out of pond]
  • [camera cuts to the two, standing at 50 feet from the guards]
  • SpongeBob: Remember, Patrick, act as if nothing shifty is going on.
  • Patrick: Oh, okay. I was just gonna act natural.
  • [the two begin walking toward the guards]
  • SpongeBob: Hey there, fellow guards!
  • Patrick: We aren't the two guys who came here previous!
  • SpongeBob: We don't remember you guys from trying to ask kindly entrance to the factory a minute ago.
  • Patrick: What heist?!
  • SpongeBob: [passes through officers] Have a nice night, you two.
  • Patrick: [follows SpongeBob] Fireworks don't grow on trees, you know.
  • [scene cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick, standing in front of double doors]
  • SpongeBob: Here we are, Patrick, the entrance.
  • Patrick: How do we know this is the entrance?
  • SpongeBob: Only one way to find out... [reaches for the door handles slowly; stops suddenly] By referring to this convientely-placed map!
  • [the two study the map]
  • SpongeBob: Let's see. The map says that "You are here".
  • Patrick: That's right, I am here.
  • SpongeBob: But I'm here, too.
  • Patrick: The map doesn't say that.
  • SpongeBob: We have to infer that, Patrick.
  • Patrick: The map doesn't say to infer.
  • SpongeBob: Well, the map does say that we are at the entrance.
  • Patrick: The entrance of what?
  • SpongeBob: The factory! [grabs Patrick by his pointed head and drags him into the factory]
  • [camera cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick; SpongeBob's face is in shock, Patrick stands up and his face immediately turns to shock as well]
  • [the camera reveals the factory's extensive amount of fireworks of all colors and sizes; some fireworks have already been lit and are flying around the factory; fireworks are being packaged or are being produced]
  • SpongeBob: I have never seen something so beautiful in my whole life.
  • Patrick: It's like a factory of fireworks, but better.
  • SpongeBob: We can bask later, Patrick. Right now, let's just get a pack of them and go before we're seen.
  • [Patrick is seen drooling at the sight of the fireworks; he gingerly sways and then falls, pressing a button labeled "ACCELERATOR"]
  • [from then on, the animation is seen in slow motion]
  • SpongeBob: Noooooo! [hops toward a pack of fireworks on a conveyer belt; the conveyer belt, however, speeds up before SpongeBob can grab one]
  • [the animation returns to normal; SpongeBob is on the speeding conveyer belt, attempting grab whizzing firework packages]
  • SpongeBob: [runs the opposite direction of the conveyer belt, beside the line of fireworks; attempts to grab a package] Hey, I caught one! [holds up package; stops running] Finally, I've done it. We've actually got away with...say, do feel like you're headed back...whoa! [sees he is being pulled by the conveyer belt] Must...get...away! [drops fireworks package and attempts to run the opposite direction; slips and falls on back and is pulled with the conveyer belt]
  • Patrick: [comes to reality] Huh? SpongeBob? [sees SpongeBob, holding onto a lever at the sharp drop of the conveyer belt] Buddy! [hops onto conveyer belt; leaps into air, and grabs onto SpongeBob's leg] I've got you now.
  • SpongeBob: Well, you've got my leg. How is this going to get us out of dier trouble?
  • Patrick: Uh... [looks at bottomless drop] I didn't quite think this through.
  • SpongeBob: [hears cracking; looks at lever] That can't be good.
  • [lever breaks, sending the two falling]
  • SpongeBob and Patrick: Aaaaaah!
  • [the two stop their screaming, seeing they are being lifted instead of falling]
  • SpongeBob: What's going on?
  • Patrick: Why are we not falling to all doom?
  • SpongeBob: [looks at sign] "COLLECTOR'S UNIT"? Say, Patrick, I think this is where the fireworks are collected from the conveyer belt. We're saved!
  • Patrick: Uh...define saved?
  • SpongeBob: What do you... [looks up; sees a mass of fireworks headed for the collector's unit] Ah!
  • [the mass of fireworks lands in the unit; SpongeBob and Patrick climb to the top of the mass]
  • SpongeBob: Well, that would've hurt. Good thing these things barely weigh anything!
  • Patrick: [chuckles] Yeah. [teeth suddenly crumble; speaking with gums] So what now? [takes out new set of teeth from pocket; places it into mouth]
  • SpongeBob: We better take as many as we can. The others are probably getting antsy waiting for us to get back.
  • [scene cuts to SpongeBob's pineapple's backyard, where the gang is yelling at Mr. Krabs, who is behind the grill]
  • Squidward: Come on, Krabs. You own the Krusty Krab and invented the Krabby Patty! How can you not cook just one?!
  • Mr. Krabs: Why do you think I hired SpongeBob, Mr. Squidward?!
  • [the rest of the gang continue to yell at Mr. Krabs]
  • [scene cuts back to SpongeBob and Patrick, collecting fireworks]
  • SpongeBob: I have eleven fireworks. How many do you have?
  • Patrick: Somewhere between five and one thousand twenty two.
  • SpongeBob: Sounds like enough. Let's get out of here, before the conveyer belt starts again.
  • [the collector's unit begins to sway, moving left and right slowly]
  • SpongeBob: Do you feel that?
  • Patrick: [shows Patrick, leaning on SpongeBob] Sorry.
  • SpongeBob: Not that. This thing feels like it's teetering. [the collector's unit begins moving] We're moving, Patrick, but on what? [looks over edge and sees the unit moving on a rollercoaster-esque track; complexion turns red, then white, then blue] Oh no.
  • [the unit zips downwards at a high rate of speed; it begins twisting and turning; the track continues to twist and turn, move upwards and downwards; SpongeBob and Patrick constantly yell in fear; finally, the unit zips downwards, launching SpongeBob and Patrick out of it and onto a ledge facedown]
  • SpongeBob: [facedown and muffled] Nothing is working, Patrick.
  • [Patrick responds in muffled gibberish]
  • SpongeBob: Exactly. [pushes up, therefore speaks non-muffled] We need a new game plan. We need to make... [close-up] a plan.
  • [scene cuts to the plan, explained through SpongeBob narrating while himself and Patrick act it out in the background]
  • SpongeBob: [narrating] Using my sponge flight abilities, I will take you, Patrick, and fly you to the assembly line so you can make a firework.
  • Patrick: Uh...
  • SpongeBob: With some help from me.
  • [camera shows SpongeBob, absorbing air through his holes, causing him to become aerated; he grabs Patrick under his armpits and flies him to a corridor surrounded by assembly lines; Patrick, with slight help from SpongeBob, assembles a firework and places it on the assembly line; this process repeats multiple times until all of the fireworks are packaged]
  • SpongeBob: [narrating] Next, you and I will take the packaged fireworks and shove them into our pants.
  • [SpongeBob shoves the fireworks into his pants, greatly inflating them; Patrick shoves some into his pants, yet they inflate to explosion; Patrick grabs a firework pack, covers himself, and steps embarrasingly out of the scene]
  • SpongeBob: [narrating] Finally, we will each take a firework from the pack, light them up, and ride into the ocean night back to our friends.
  • [ends narration]
  • Patrick: Perfect. Let's do it for real!
  • SpongeBob: [begins sucking in air; becomes aerated; grabs Patrick] You know what to do, buddy?
  • Patrick: SpongeBob, I'm not an idiot. [dropped off at position] I just press this button... [presses giant red button]
  • [alarm blares]
  • Loudspeaker: You pressed the giant red button. Giant red button has been pushed. All fireworks to be incenerated immediately.
  • [conveyer belt begins to move toward an incenerator, with flames shooting up and sucking in fireworks]
  • SpongeBob: Patrick, we have to save those fireworks now!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick begin to shove fireworks into their pants while on the conveyer belt]
  • [scene cuts to police officers standing outside of factory]
  • Security Guard 1: Say, do you hear that?
  • Security Guard 2: The alarm? Oh yeah, it's been on for a few minutes now.
  • Security Guard 1: Oh. [pause] Let's go check it out.
  • Security Guard 2: [sighs] Fine.
  • [scene cuts to the security guards, opening the double doors and seeing SpongeBob and Patrick, stuffing fireworks in their pants]
  • Patrick: Uh...what heist?!
  • Security Guard 1: Theives! Let's book 'em!
  • [SpongeBob and Patrick begin stuffing fireworks in their pants while dodging the grips of the officers; Patrick, in his attempts, steps on the button, causing the conveyer belt to stop; the four fall at the sudden stop]
  • SpongeBob: [wipes sweat] That was a close one. We almost lost all of the fireworks.
  • Security Guard 2: You almost got away with a crime, too. You two are going to the slammer for a long... [stops at hissing sound] Ugh! It's hard to make threats when there's a distracting hissing sound!
  • [camera reveals the fuses from the pile of fireworks in front of the incenerator; they have been lit by the flames]
  • Security Guard 1: Oh no.
  • [the camera cuts to the outside of the factory; the four are seen being sent into the air by a giant mass of fireworks]
  • [scene cuts to the gang: Squidward, Mr. Krabs, Sandy, and Gary, behind SpongeBob's pineapple]
  • Sandy: This has been a bust.
  • Mr. Krabs: Agreed!
  • Gary: Meow!
  • Squidward: We didn't get to eat any food, we barely got any relaxation, and worst of all, we didn't get any fireworks!
  • Sandy: I wouldn't speak too soon. Look! Up in the sky!
  • [the camera reveals multiple and colorful explosions from fireworks, lighting up the night sky]
  • Mr. Krabs: Isn't it a beauty? Say, what are those four little figures falling to the ground?
  • Squidward: It looks like they're going to hit us head on! [the security guards, SpongeBob, and Patrick land on Squidward; in pained tone]
  • SpongeBob: [stands up along with Patrick] We did it, gang! We brought the fireworks!
  • Sandy: And the officers?
  • Patrick: What heist?!
  • [the episode ends with the entire gang, standing side-by-side, watching the fireworks in the night sky go off; the camera slowly pans up, revealing two fireworks, going off consecutively, saying "HAPPY 4TH OF JULY"]


  • This episode is the first "Fourth of July" episode for Absorbent Days.
    • However, the holiday celebrated in this episode is "Fish-dependance Day", and is celebrated for similar reasons as July 4th.
  • Running Gag: Patrick continues to say "What heist?!"
  • This episode is the debut of the "Kaboom Factory".

Absorbent Days Season Two Episodes
Eye on the KrabSamba MaterChildish GamesThe Slug QuintetBreaking and SofteningIgnore-AmusBehind the WhaleStar AuthorLife on the Statistical PrairieRolling StonePink With EnvyNew Age Squirrel-agementRobotic RuckusComic StrippedHigh School HorrorsThe Patriotic HeistHot PursuitThe Forgotten Fry CookThe SnowingEdge of a Resolution